Sorry about the absence. I’m actually up in Maine now, visiting my boyfriend. It’s beautiful up here, even if it has been raining or cloudy for most of the time. I’m considering it conditioning for when I come up here to work on the Mary Day. Just 1.5 months! I’ll be posting pictures of my adventures up here soon, once I download them off of my iTouch.
It’s really sad how much better my iTouch pictures are compared to my original camera or worse, my LG crappy starter phone.
But to what’s on my mind now.
I’ve been doing research for my internship, which pretty much entails looking up really awesome travelers who have done cool things with their lives that I’m hoping they’ll want to share with me and the magazine. Every single person I’ve looked up is incredibly inspirational, and has an incredible ability to make me feel like a lazy bastard.
It’s not like I don’t want to do awesome things; I dream about doing awesome things constantly. But that’s probably part of the problem. I’m a dreamer, with a mind that darts from idea to idea quickly without ever settling down on any particular one. For the most part, it’s because I’m afraid to commit to any particular project, for fear of missing out on my next opportunity.
When I step back and look at this, I realize that, by waiting around for the next opportunity, I’m inevitably missing every single one that’s in front of me. Even the ones that I don’t realize are there.
So I’ve figured out yet another aspect of myself and my personality that I need to work on: commitment. It seems strange to me to say, because I’ve always been very good at commitment once I’ve committed. Aye, there be the kicker. I’m afraid to start that commitment process, for fear that it won’t be the right path and I’ll regret it.
It’s time to stop that feeling. How?
How the fuck would I know? If I had a clue, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation.
First things first: Find something that I want to do. Not something abstract, not a feeling. But a thing. It could be a dream, but it has to be a tangible, accomplish-able dream.
Next: Realize that dreams do not come to fruition immediately. If they are good, substantial dreams, they take time to set up and prepare for. As much as I like to kid myself into thinking that I do things spontaneously on a regular basis, that is a lie.
I like spontaneity. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t always seem to be very good at it. Another thing for future improvement.
But the point is, I have to realize that long-term goals are long-term for a reason: they take a while.
WOW. College education coming into play right there.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t start striving and preparing.
Instead of doing so, or being any sort of resemblance of a productive member of society, the world, or my life, I’ve been procrastinating, trying without much enthusiasm to find a job while pretending that a completely open summer is EXACTLY what I wanted. Lies.Well okay, not complete lies. I do enjoy having freedom of movement. Hell, I wouldn’t be here in Maine if that wasn’t the case. But some purpose wouldn’t be too bad right about now. We shall see.
My purpose really should be trying to write constantly constantly constantly, pursuing a dream of eventually becoming a published author, but I think that part of me is too scared to try. The other part of me is too lazy. Is there a way to hire a mental trainer, kind of like those bulky trainers at the gym that yell at you to do twenty more push-ups?
For I am a one in desperate need.
If I devoted nearly as much time to worrying about pursuing things and my future and what I’m going to eat for lunch and how my life is going to pan out, I think that I’d have a lot more done in my life. Maybe not, but I like to pretend so.