And I Think To Myself…

  1. The best type of tree to hide under during a torrential downpour is a holly tree. The leaves grow so close together, and are so hard, that the rain doesn’t penetrate.
  2. Letters are possibly the best type of communication in the world. You can save them, find one years later, and still be moved to tears at the sweet words a friend, family member, or loved one has written to you.
  3. Inversely, it’s extremely painful to come across a letter from someone you’ve parted with: not through death, but through a fight or a parting of the ways.
  4. Packing is obnoxious. In my opinion, packing should be done in 1-2 days, so that you do not have to think about where certain things need to go in order to live out the rest of the week while the rest of your life is in boxes.
  5. There are many different types of life out in the world. To try to emulate them all is an exhausting trial that will lead to contradictions and unhappiness.
  6. At the same time, try to live as many different facets of life as you can that will make you happy. And sometimes, you need to try a facet that you didn’t think about before, in order to find what will truly make you happy.
  7. What the hell is supposed to make me happy? How in the hell do you determine what will make a person happy for the years to come?
  8. Anxiety is a curse caused by an over-active imagination.
  9. People are capable of more change than they think.
  10. However, some people sincerely aren’t capable of change, not until they come across the decision themselves. And for some, it can take a while, if not forever. But don’t let that get you down.
  11. It’s easy to sit on a bed and complain that nothing exciting is happening in your life. It’s much harder to go out and make it exciting, even without company or inspiration.
  12. Inspirational quotes tend to only inspire for five minutes or so after being read.
  13. Yet they are what perseverance lies on.
  14. Progress doesn’t always happen immediately.
  15. Our generation of people have come to expect instant gratification, from an internet connection to weight loss.
  16. However, things rarely happen instantly, and fretting over a lack of visible or immediate progress is a waste of energy sometimes.
  17. Life changes are hard. Changing your outlook on life is hard. Learning to live for yourself is hard. But it’s worth it, if we take advantage of it.
  18. Some books are harder  to finish reading than others, even if they should captivate you in the same way.
  19. I wish I had a way to immediately record my thoughts, exactly as they are, no matter where I am in the world (as in, without a laptop or paper).
  20. We can have adventure in the everyday. However, it does require a change of perspective if you’ve been framing your conception of adventure in one particular way for most of your life.
  21. Wanderlust is a powerful, itchy thing.
  22. I am a pack rat, at least of papers and potentially sentimental things.
  23. I start to mentally freak out when my mother starts touching my stuff.
  24. I have a job interview tomorrow and I’m nervous, mostly because this job could manage to tie me down in D.C. But it sounds interesting. Torn.
  25. I think too much

…Or at least, I’ve been thinking about some of this stuff lately. And more. Always thinking.

 

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Reality Bites After a Long Vacation

So I’m back trying to find another job for after the Mary Day. Getting into the rhythm of job searching and internship doing has been especially difficult after two weeks of vacation, one in Maine and the other in Connecticut. While I was technically doing internship work during both of those weeks, and was doing freelance work while in Maine, it was definitely different doing such work in another place. Being back home makes the reality that I really have no idea what I’m doing come October seem all the more threatening.

But beyond that. I promised pictures of Maine!

I should preface the pictures from Acadia National Park with the following story:

I went up to Maine to visit my boyfriend last year too. It was beautiful, but I was only there for the weekend. As my luck is always impeccable, the day we reserved to go up to Acadia National Park last year was a drizzly, foggy, rainy mess, where you could only see about 20 feet in front of you. The view from the top of Cadillac Mountain that year was more of a view of a mountain top surrounded by cloud. Surreal and pretty in its own way, but not exactly the view we were going for.

So this year, with some more flexibility of when we could ascend the mountain, we decided that we’d grab the nicest day that we could in order to get an amazing view of the coast of Maine. We almost didn’t get this chance: the first day that we had initially planned to go it rained all morning, preventing any desire to drive the hour there and the hour back. So we took our chance the following Tuesday, and viola! The masterpiece of nature lies below.

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I was a little bit obsessed with this boat and house. I won’t show you all of the pictures I took. It’s kind of interesting, though, that there are private houses scattered in Acadia. This is because Acadia is actually a compilation of donated pieces of land from private properties. Who would have known?

Needless to say, we had a great time. The weather held out wonderfully, and I had the opportunity to indulge in seafood and (separately) BLUEBERRY SODA.

Yes. BLUEBERRY SODA.

I know, sounds weird, but it’s absolutely delicious, and as of yet I’ve only managed to find it in this one ice cream shop in Bar Harbor: Jordan Pond Ice Cream. At least, I think that’s what the place is called. For the life of me, I can’t remember the name of the brewing company right now, except for that it’s something painfully obvious, and this soda is delicious. Seriously. I’m ashamed of myself for not taking a picture. The soda is on the sweet side, for those of you out there that aren’t into that, but it’s highly recommended.

To top everything off, it didn’t start raining until we got back in the car. Therein was our saving grace, because once it started raining, it POURED. There were times where we could only see 20 feet in front of us, if we were lucky. Scary.

There were other adventures had while in Maine, but those can be left for another time. But as a parting gift…

Lobsta!

Lobsta!

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Procrastinating vs. Pursuing Dreams

Sorry about the absence. I’m actually up in Maine now, visiting my boyfriend. It’s beautiful up here, even if it has been raining or cloudy for most of the time. I’m considering it conditioning for when I come up here to work on the Mary Day. Just 1.5 months! I’ll be posting pictures of my adventures up here soon, once I download them off of my iTouch.

It’s really sad how much better my iTouch pictures are compared to my original camera or worse, my LG crappy starter phone.

But  to what’s on my mind now.

I’ve been doing research for my internship, which pretty much entails looking up really awesome travelers who have done cool things with their lives that I’m hoping they’ll want to share with me and the magazine. Every single person I’ve looked up is incredibly inspirational, and has an incredible ability to make me feel like a lazy bastard.

Womp.

It’s not like I don’t want to do awesome things; I dream about doing awesome things constantly. But that’s probably part of the problem. I’m a dreamer, with a mind that darts from idea to idea quickly without ever settling down on any particular one. For the most part, it’s because I’m afraid to commit to any particular project, for fear of missing out on my next opportunity.

When I step back and look at this, I realize that, by waiting around for the next opportunity, I’m inevitably missing every single one that’s in front of me. Even the ones that I don’t realize are there.

So I’ve figured out yet another aspect of myself and my personality that I need to work on: commitment. It seems strange to me to say, because I’ve always been very good at commitment once I’ve committed. Aye, there be the kicker. I’m afraid to start that commitment process, for fear that it won’t be the right path and I’ll regret it.

It’s time to stop that feeling. How?

How the fuck would I know? If I had a clue, I probably wouldn’t be in this situation.

First things first: Find something that I want to do. Not something abstract, not a feeling. But a thing. It could be a dream, but it has to be a tangible, accomplish-able dream.

Next: Realize that dreams do not come to fruition immediately. If they are good, substantial dreams, they take time to set up and prepare for. As much as I like to kid myself into thinking that I do things spontaneously on a regular basis, that is a lie.

A. LIE.

I like spontaneity. Don’t get me wrong. But I don’t always seem to be very good at it. Another thing for future improvement.

But the point is, I have to realize that long-term goals are long-term for a reason: they take a while.

WOW. College education coming into play right there.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t start striving and preparing.

Instead of doing so, or being any sort of resemblance of a productive member of society, the world, or my life, I’ve been procrastinating, trying without much enthusiasm to find a job while pretending that a completely open summer is EXACTLY what I wanted. Lies.Well okay, not complete lies. I do enjoy having freedom of movement. Hell, I wouldn’t be here in Maine if that wasn’t the case. But some purpose wouldn’t be too bad right about now. We shall see.

My purpose really should be trying to write constantly constantly constantly, pursuing a dream of eventually becoming a published author, but I think that part of me is too scared to try. The other part of me is too lazy. Is there a way to hire a mental trainer, kind of like those bulky trainers at the gym that yell at you to do twenty more push-ups?

For I am a one in desperate need.

If I devoted nearly as much time to worrying about pursuing things and my future and what I’m going to eat for lunch and how my life is going to pan out, I think that I’d have a lot more done in my life. Maybe not, but I like to pretend so.

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Taking a Leaf: Teaser Tuesday

So I’m taking a leaf from another blogger‘s blog: Teaser Tuesday! Take a book, find a random page, and write two sentences from the page. Name the book and the author so that others can join in!

So today’s excerpt will be from City of Glass by Cassandra Clare, the third book in her The Mortal Instruments series. I read these books last summer (well, at least, the first three) and liked them pretty decently. Since I’m home again, and since it’s summer again, I’m reading them again (AGAIN). 

From page 272:

You should have told me what I was,” Jace said, all in one breath, as if the words were being punched out of him. “I could have done something about it, then. Killed myself, maybe.”

And from page 394:

The smell–oh, the smell down there, like blood and death and rot. Valentine had hollowed out a place under the ground, in what had once been the wine cellar.”

Well, that’s it for this. More writing related things soon! Hopefully…

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#96 and the LONG Road Ahead

Unless you’ve never met me, you probably know that I harbor a passion for reading and writing, particularly of fiction and fantasy. I was a Creative Writing major while in school, and it was one of the best decisions of my life. Except for at this point where I don’t really know what to do, career-wise, because it’s nearly impossible to support yourself fully as a writer, especially from the get-go. Not to mention that careers in relation to writing are either very hard to come by, due to the competitive and contested nature of the publishing/writing industry, and/or they are based in New York. I don’t particularly want to go live in New York, at least not at this point in life. Too expensive.

What’s worse is that, now that I’ve left school, I’ve found it harder for me to write fiction, namely because I am distracted with trying to find a permanent semblance of work. As well as trying to decide if I want stable, permanent work. Oh, and I’ve been extremely undedicated to writing fiction. I get disheartened too quickly. Alas.

Maybe I should consider memoir. At the very least, I’ve been practicing first person a lot lately, with blogging. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am a good writer. I love the feeling of being immersed in a story, of creating engaging characters that I want to follow through their adventures and trials. I’ve just had trouble coming up with any story that seems good for the past few years. At least, outside of class. I’ve actually liked quite a few of the stories I submitted to workshops, and it seemed like my fellow writers enjoyed them too. Maybe I just need to find other people to work alongside in the quest of writing anything of substantible length and merit. Maybe I need to go out into the world and find the inspiration that I need to pursue the path of life that I’ve craved for over ten years.

Or maybe I need to just stop making excuses for myself, open up a Word document, and make it happen.

What an absolutely novel concept.

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Whoops

I yelled at my internship boss today, via Skype. Not a good move. At the same time, I’m not surprised. If a boss calls you or something you did “stupid”, and you are already having communication failures…

Well, I think that I deserve and reserve the right to be upset.

What’s worse is that this is an unpaid internship. It’s not as though he is paying me for my mistakes, or really losing money off of them. Interns makes mistakes. Sorry?

It doesn’t help that the requirements and expectations seem to shift for this internship every time I log in. So guess who ends up on the chopping block? Frustration.

I’m still in the wrong. I know this. You should never start yelling at anyone who is your boss, in any capacity. But I think that after a flood of criticism, most of which I felt was undeserved, and then to be told that I was acting stupidly…I blew a mental gasket.

I’m not stupid. I don’t think that I’ve ever been called stupid. So to have someone I have never even truly met even kind of sort of call me stupid…well, I didn’t like it.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I will learn from the mistakes I have made through this internship, I will learn how to hold my tongue, and I will be the best damn worker this man has ever seen, to the point where he will be blown away. I dearly hope.

The things we do in order to gain some damn experience in a competitive job market. Oy.

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It Becomes Even More Real

I received my college diploma in the mail today.

Oh shit.

It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, really. And in many ways, it’s not. I’m more upset about the fact that all it says that I earned is a “Bachelor of the Arts” than anything else. Excuse me? I earned two majors. Just because they were in the College of Arts and Sciences, and just because they were both B.A.’s doesn’t mean that I want my accomplishments to be looked over. Maybe Creative Writing and Anthropology weren’t the hardest majors to pull off. I still worked hard. I still earned that recognition. Stupid system. Stupid system that simplifies everything just to make things more “efficient”.

Okay, end mildly to moderately upset rant. In and out does the trick.

Getting my diploma today meant that I was done. I had passed all of my classes, I had crossed every t and dotted every i. I had finished paying off every cent that I owed Miami…now just onto student loans.

My college years are officially behind me.

The offending document. Please excuse the floral comforter.

The offending document. Please excuse the floral comforter.

Like, legitamently behind. Over. Done. Can’t find an excuse to go back to undergrad. Even as my boyfriend goes back for his last year of school, I won’t be. Instead, come the end of August, I’ll be on a sailboat, cooking for passengers and crew instead of moving into a new apartment or house while buying school supplies and getting excited for class.

Can you tell that I’m scared? Terrified, possibly.

I mean, this means that I have to go be an adult. Bad enough that I had to face that today when I was getting a YMCA membership and the lady smiled sadly at me when my mom tried to haggle a discount for me, being her daughter. All she said was, “She has to be under 18, and she’s 21 now. She’s an adult.”

Oh. Fuck.

Now I have to start figuring out big kid things, like credit cards and full time jobs and finding my passions in life and paying rent on a monthly basis and health insurance and 401ks. I still don’t really understand those things.

But, as per usual with me, I’ll be putting off any and all of those things for as long as possible. Things don’t really become important to me until they are screaming in my face. The future is merely tapping me on the shoulder now, although quite persistently.

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